The Unspoken Hurt

My backyard October 2025.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends. A list of people I could call to come over and chat about nothing and everything like I did when I was in high school or college.   Sometimes I wish I lived closer to my sisters. Would our relationship be stronger?  Would we lean on each other more? There are times I want to discuss all the corners of a subject without holding back, without being interrupted, talked over, lectured to on exercise and health or being preached at or judged on my response. Do I think so differently that there is no one that I can have a conversation with?  I guess I never grew out of my questioning era of high school and college. I want to discuss the “whys”of people’s behavior.  I want to discuss “what if there was or could be another outcome?”  I want some to in my dad’s words “Shoot the shit” with?  I have tried hard over the years and especially the past 10 years to foster connections.  I  have invited people to my home. I have committed to reaching out to people and family once every week for a year.  It only lasted 5 months. My ego and self-worth couldn’t take it when I received little to no response.  I was tossing out a life line, but no one recognized it or had time to grab it. Feeling dejected after 5 months, I gave up.  Relationships ebb and change over the years as people grow and change.  I understand that.  I have not always been receptive when people had offered the same to me.  So maybe it is karma.  I am 55 years old, and didn’t expect my relationships to be so hard.    Sometimes, I am exhausted from reaching out hoping for a new fire of friendship or sisterhood to be lit.  So maybe this is it. 

I am not saying I don’t have relationships. I do and I have one or two that are exactly what I would hope for a blend of: honest, authentic, joy and laughter, tears and support and calling me out for both my good and bad decisions. I wish I could have more relationships that are deeper and intrinsic.  (Oof I am so needy.) 

I have had many relationships over the years that I feel I really worked at growing and developing. Some people only took what I offered, but didn’t give back.  I have had people who sought my advice.  As flattering as it was, there was never time left for me to seek theirs. For some, we could never get past reminiscing about the past. That was who and where I was then, but see me now, I have come so far. I connected with my kids’ friends’ parents, hoping for a spark, but instead it became routine and never expanded beyond our kids’ lives. Yes, I do have an array of friendships and sisterhoods.  Some are occasional “gathering” friends, some are fringe friends, and a couple are “ride or die” friends. Maybe it is,  what it is.  Maybe I need to continue to nourish and encourage the seedlings of connection. Maybe I save my energy and pour it into those who reach out and reciprocate my efforts.  Maybe, what I have is enough.