Pruning through the seasons of life

West Branch Reservoir - April 2025

Lately, I have been pondering if I am readying myself for another season of life, if I am being self-centered or if depression is the root cause.  Everyone's life has seasons. My life and relationships are like a garden.  I nourish them with encouragement and support so that they take root and grow healthy and strong enough to weather the winds of doubt and storms of change.  Yet I know that a garden can not flourish every year.  They require work. The weeds need to be removed and the soil nourished.  I thank God for my harvest whether big or small and welcome it as a gift.  There are seasons in my life that I need to take out the old plants and plant new seeds for a future harvest.  This is easier in the garden than it is in real life with people.

I can remember the pain and sorrow when people I thought were my friends disappeared from my life with a change of a  job, moving on from a church or moving to a new home.  As I have aged, I now understand it to be a reality. Sometimes I just have relationships for a season. Those friendship had time and a purpose, but as life changed, my relationship garden was pruned. I had to thank God for what was and needed to plant new seeds of friendships.

I am wondering if I am entering a new pruning season.  It has been 4 months since our annual Christmas party and I am feeling that the party has run it's course.  Fourteen years is a good run.  And though I love planning it and making up the party games, the excitement has dwindled for both myself and our party guests.  I am thinking it is time to start a new Christmas tradition though I have no idea what it would be.  I enjoyed seeing my friends, but since the pandemic and the angst of the polarizing political climate, the party has not held the same carefree silliness and fun.  I am also realizing that the party is the only time all year I see these people.  Can I call them friends or are they acquaintances?  I tried for a while to get together once a month with another couple, but that only lasted a year or two.  I got sick and disappeared from life for a year and a half.  How many of my friends was I close enough to share my pain.  I admit that was mostly on me, but I find it hard to call up a friend and say "woah is me".  But when I disappeared for over a year, who missed me?  Who called to touch base? I friend or two and a sister that popped in and out during that time.  They were a life line without knowing it. But no one else seemed to know me well enough to notice.  

I am now passed that place, but I do have a new normal.  I have done my best to be honest with people and explain some of my new issues - difficulty reading, easily losing my train of thought and my absence of short term memory.   People say I look great on the outside and my smile and keep moving forward attitude masks my issues well.  Yet, it is the friend who asks me how I am and really wants to know and will wait me to gather my scattered thoughts out until I give her more than a "Fine or I am good."  She doesn't interrupt me knowing how difficult it is for me return to a thought once I have been stopped.  She allows for silence in conversation allowing me time to gather my thoughts before moving onto another topic.  She doesn't rush the conversation by speaking the words that I can not find. Our friendship is not a check off list and she takes time to check in on me as I do her.

Is it time to prune some friendships that are no longer growing and our not nourishing to my spirit?  Friendship doesn't come easy for me.  In my new life circumstance, I don't know where I would find new friendship seeds.  I am at home by myself 90% of the time.  I can get frustrated and overwhelmed in groups of people.  Honestly, even a group of 3 can be overwhelming depending on the conversation style.  When people talk over one another, I can not follow anything.  I like the couple thing.  My husband, Bruce, is my wingman and can read my cues.  He can discreetly help me to follow conversation if I get lost in it.  He knows when my body is done for the evening and it is time to head home.  

I originally wrote this post a month ago after meeting up with some friends feeling as if I had lost my footing and depth of our relationship.  I am not comfortable with small talk.  Here I am a month later, still feeling the same. Maybe it is time to do some gardening.