Just Breathe

 

Allegheny National Forest, Pa July 2025

"Just Breathe" has been my mantra since I have returned from Disney World in July. I returned home to an MS infusion, anniversary trip, bad family health news, hopeful opportunity, more bad health family news, preparing for move, cancelled trips, a couple unscheduled trips out of state, yet another family health emergency, beginning a new weekly schedule, planning and hosting a going away party and a 2 day drive and relocation. This all occurred within 1 month's time. Just Breathe.

 I am not even sure where to start.  My infusion twice a year infusion treatment was the third week in July a few days prior to our scheduled camping trip to the Alleghany National Forest.  I am uncertain why, maybe the hot week long trip to Disney World that I returned from the week before, but I was struggling to bounce back after this infusion.  I guess I looked so poorly after my treatment, that my husband reached out to my eldest daughter about asking to remind him to drive me to my infusion in the future.  I am usually down for a day, but the fatigue was incredibly rough this time around lasting for several days placing a slight damper on the anniversary trip with only one walk/hike and a short mile kayak paddle allowing the current to return me back to the shore. One night I even fore-went the campfire - now that is screaming fatigue when I am too tired to SIT by a campfire. It was relaxing though which is always a positive camping experience.  We enjoyed reminiscing about our 35 years together.  I think that was the best part of the trip! Just prior to our trip we found out that my eldest sister was in the hospital.  We had no phone or internet reception in the forest so each day we would drive out of the forest to go to a local bait shop and sit in the parking lot to reach out for an update. Then we found out my husband's friend sister died suddenly at a very young age.  As much as we tried to stay in the moment of reminiscing and celebrating our 33rd anniversary, we were pulled back into the real world through out the four days. On the drive home, we spoke to both my mom who was worried about my sister and was sharp and unkind to me.  This is often how many people deal with stress by taking it out on someone else, but it is still not easy to be the recipient of the fear masked in angry words especially when you are worried too. My husband actually called her out on it and she quickly changed topics and told me that she was so thankful for me driving to Pennsylvania to take her to a doctor's appointment in the coming weeks. This is the ebb and flow of aging parents. Just Breathe. 

My youngest daughter had an interview for an epidemiologist job the Monday after our return from Disney.  We were thrilled when she was offered the job even if the job was located in Nebraska, 13 hours away with no direct flight.  She was given a week to consider the offer.  My husband and I were on pins and needles as she contemplated the pros and cons.  The biggest cons? The funding since public health is under fire with the current government and the distance.  We were asked to share this news with no one until she made her decision. Just Breathe.

My eldest sister was making a trip up to Erie to see my mother and attend my niece's wedding reception.  My husband and I wanted to see her, but had made reservations to Maumee Bay 6 months earlier.  The trip was paid for, if we cancelled we would have to forfeit our money. My daughter accepted the position at the Nebraska State Health department. We decided to cancel the trip. There was too much going on. I had committed to watching my grandson 3 days a week while my son and daughter in-law worked so we had limited calendar availability to move my daughter to Nebraska.  It would have to take place over my scheduled birthday camping trip to Michigan week, if I was to be able to go.  We had already made arrangements with my grandson's daycare to have him during that long planned trip. All that to say that my daughter would be moving to Nebraska in 17 days. Just Breathe.

It was very nice to have an entire day with my sister, her husband, daughter and grandchildren even if we all felt the weight of the confirmation of her medical tests that she has pancreatic cancer. Why did I get the full day alone?  My mother had my other sister take her to the ER for a possible heart attack which encompassed the full day. And so it goes. She was finally admitted that evening or the next morning, honestly I am not even certain.  It was such a wave.  She did not have a heart attack, but other issues. I had such difficulty with my recent infusion (that kills my B-cells) that Bruce and I decided it was to risky to stop by the er to see my mom. So we spent the full day with my sister at her ARBNB deck overlooking lake Erie. Just Breathe.

We needed to make some arrangements for our "barn duties" for my daughter's horse. My daughter had taken over the majority of them when she returned home, but Bruce and I alternated Saturdays with another boarder.  He was great to be flexible around our schedules.  Now my daughter just needed to find a place to live, find a barn in Nebraska for her horse and arrange for gap health insurance as her health insurance was expiring in 5 days. My husband took over the moving arrangements.  What did I do? I finished her cedar chest, painted a her bookshelf and kept the list of to dos tidy!  Just Breathe.

My mom's hospital visit continued to be a long one.  In fact, 3 weeks later, she is still there. Well she is officially in rehab in the hospital.  It is a long litany as is how it generally goes for elderly people in the hospital.  In a nut shell, one complete heart artery blockage, 2 artery stints, 2 or more strokes, cirrhosis of the liver, short term memory loss and intense pain in her leg and shoulder leaving her almost immobile. My sister, who lives in the same town, is taking great care of her, but it is obviously draining. It is hard to be so far away for both of them.  I reached a point I needed to compartmentalize everything that was going on and know that my mom was in good hands. Just Breathe.

I began my special time with my grandson.  The first day was not what I had hoped.  My youngest daughter. The one moving to Nebraska in less than a week was in extreme pain and had to go to the emergency room.  I was ever so blessed that my oldest daughter was able to take her and stay with her.  My grandson has an autoimmune condition and the ER is possibly the worst place for him to be. My eldest daughter kept me in the loop through out the day. I had hoped to set a mini preschool schedule for my grandson as not to get caught in the cycle of just playing, but playing with some purpose.  Well, that never happened, but my husband did complete his outdoor play area complete with a gravel pit and construction trucks. My grandson was picked up at 5:30 p.m. and my husband and I were off the cover the Thursday evening's barn duty.  I was beginning to crack.  It was all too much. I went straight from the barn to the hospital.  After 12 hours my daughter was released.  I picked up some Chic-fil-A, for the two of us to eat, but don't even remember  eating it.  I needed to go to sleep before my grandson would be dropped in the next morning. Just Breathe.

The next day, my daughter and I discussed her test results and future possibilities.  She began the search to find a doctor to follow up with in Nebraska. My grandson and I had fun playing outside, dancing and singing to toddler tunes and just spending time together.  I love this age!   His laughter was healing to my very bruised and tired spirit and allowed me to Just Breathe.

I planned on driving to Erie to see my mom on the one open day I had with no appointments, only morning barn responsibilities or no grandson to care for.  It is about a two hour drive from my home to the hospital.   I invited all of my kids with me to see their grandmother, if they wished. The older two had prior commitments and I was a bit surprised when my youngest joined me.  I was looking forward to some alone time on the drive.  It would mark the first time I was alone since everything began 3 weeks earlier.  It was not expected, and not the alone time I had hoped.  Though it was nice to get time alone together since I knew our daily chat sessions would soon come to an end once she moved and especially when she began her job.  Surprisingly, we arrived to find a very alert mom and grandma in her hospital bed.  In fact, she was so alert though she was getting tired, I encouraged her to rest both for herself, but also for me.  When I finally sat down I realized just how exhausted I was.  It was nice to offer my sister even this smallest of reprieves from the hospital and the visit with my mom was a pleasant one.  When we left the hospital after seeing her, I was able to Just Breathe.

Still compartmentalizing, I was ready to move onto the next thing.  My daughter's going away party.  It was a relatively simple affair with a few friends and family, but I still put my signature theming to work and made it a very corny celebration with blue lemonade corn whiskey slushies (absolutely fabulous!) a variety of corn chips, caramel corn (my husbands idea), corn on the cob and some traditional cook out hotdogs and hamburgers.  We all enjoyed ourselves and I tried so hard to stay in the moment, but did find out sharing a bit about the month with friends and family.  My grandson and the dogs along with my brother and sister in-law's puppy kept us all in stitches. My nephew's girlfriend took a great family photo for the photo wall. It was a really nice low key fun celebration.  Yet when everyone left and the sky was getting dark, I was able to Just Breathe.  

I am not certain when it happened, but at one "barn duty" feeding, I lost it.  It was just another thing that was added to my over flowing plate.  I hit a breaking point and something had to give.  Barn feeding was the only "optional" thing that could be taken off my plate.  I physically hit a wall and knew I could no longer kept it all together.  That day Bruce called and explained the situation to the barn manager.  She was very kind, at a time I am certain that she was also overwhelmed. She would allow us to pay extra in a replacement for barn duties and providing Troubadour, my daughter's horse, full care until his relocation to Nebraska that we hope will take place in the next month or too.  We were grateful.  We did not want to traumatize him by moving him to another barn for a short stay.  One thing off the plate - Just Breathe.

 It was now the 21st of August and we were headed to Nebraska. My daughter and I shared the 2 day drive in her car with the cat while my husband drove the overly large 26ft. bouncy moving truck upgrade.  Time to move my baby to the land of corn and beef.  Just Breathe.