Confronting Body Image

 I have struggled with a negative body image just as a reported 79% of other women have in their life time. My teenage years I saw myself as too small with no curves.  I had the body of an 11 year old boy until I was married to which then my body morphed into a lumpy, bumpy mom body after the birth of my first child where as I gained over 72 pounds.  In truth, I only weighed 93 pounds when I got pregnant.  After my first child was delivered via caesarean section, I got the dreaded C-section shelf which is the excess layer of fat that lies just above the c-section scar.  For years I did sit ups and other suggested exercises to "tighten" the area. It was somewhere after the next 16 years, I finally gave up the exercise and food battle and talked with my doctor.  We discussed a tummy tuck, which would be the only way to resolve the issue, but it something I did not want to do.  Oddly, the discussion with my doctor helped me to come to terms with my c - shelf.  I had been listening to the world of what I should look like, when in reality I needed to listen to my doctor that it was not my "fault" and nothing beyond surgery would repair the issue. That is when I began accepting myself, but it was and still at times is hard.

Being only 5 foot tall, there is not a lot of places for excess weight/skin to go.  I try my best to conceal it with clothes, but it is a skill I, at 53 years old, am still learning so that I can feel my best.  I continue to fine tune my mind set that this is MY body.  I exercise. I eat well. And this is me and I am good.  As I sing my song "I am who God made me.  I love myself.", I am blasted with the photos that were taken on me on my recent trip to the Sedona Wolf Sanctuary.  So that I could be in the moment that guide took several photos which I appreciated, but when I received them I was frustrated and embarrassed of how I looked.  I was so looking forward to the photos, but my self esteem was deflated when I saw them on my phone.  I didn't see the majestic wolves surrounding me, but instead the muffin top hanging over my jeans.  

Why after all these years do I still feel the sting of defeat and a scalpel piercing my self esteem?  I have decided not to give these images of me more power than the "real" me. I decided to confront it , embrace it and announce it.  I posted the non-flattering photos on this blog and online.  This is who I am.  If people don't see that or want to suggest how I can "fix" me, they don't really see me at all. I am beautiful inside and out.